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About Google Book Search Google's mission is to organize the world's information and to make it universally accessible and useful. Google Book Search helps readers discover the world's books while helping authors and publishers reach new audiences. You can search through the full text of this book on the web at |http : //books . google . com/| William M. Blatt 1 HUSBANDS ON APPROVA 1 3^. ^iiuro'B ^Uips THE AJIA20NS '^"'"""'"'AH* emnm • (all mtwilin; jir ; ■■■,! ■ ,■■■,!■ 1 l*Ai,... ..^ iwoli.iua... -maivi.r „ 1M,.r A^ ifls nocse n own > * , fc....-' jfe^ / , /^ 'KZttu-tf i ^tHUSiJiit_ J BY THE SAME AUTHOR The following titles by the same author are to be had in manuscript only. Persons interested will please ad- dress tAe author^ Wm. M. Blatt, 294 Washington St, Rooms 829-831, Boston, Mass. UNSEEN Comedy-drama in three acts. Six male, four female chai^ acters. Costumes, modern. Scenery, two simple interiors. Plays a full evening. Depicts problems of the respectable poor. CARPENTER Comedy in four acts. Nine male, five female characters. Costumes, modem. Scenery three interiors, not difficult. Flays a full evening. Clashes between capital and labor humorously handled incidentally to a love story. WHAT ANDREA FORESAW Comedy in four acts. Four men, six women. Costumes, modem society. Scenery, two easy interiors. Plays a full evening. The fears of a puppet wife who imagines that a more useful woman is usurping her husband's love take the form of a day>dream— or nightmare. NICOLETTE'S LESSON Comedy of American mral and city life, in three acts. Eleven male, four female characters. Costumes, modem. A too easily prejudiced young man is made miserable for a while by the object of his suspicions. CUPID'S CAMP Comedy of camp life on 9. New England lake. In four acts. Five male, five female ^hai^tters. Costumes, modem. Scenery, two simple exterio^ t>i^«tn^le interior. Plays a full evening. Country and cit^r ti^pe^ ^(SAtrasted. ; VbV-JVD'^ICE of counsel Farce ^^raledy• in tl^^Vcts. Nine male, five female char- act^. ••C^tum€*i;*«moder& Scenery, two simple interiors. • •SAr»pitt for^nl^kr ^>KniIe. Vlays a full evening. Modern '•/•I«g2U methods «splic(l tP* !i selUimental situation. • • •• • • • • • • • • ••••••• Husbands on Approval A Comedy in Three Acts By / W. M. BLATT NOTE The acting rights of this play are strictly reserved. Perform- ance may be given by amateurs on payment to the author of a royalty of ten dollars (jSio.oo) for the firet performance or fifteen dollars ($i^,oo\ for two performances. Correspondence on this subject should be addressed to Wm. M. Blatt, 294 Washington St., Rooms 829-830-831, Boston, Mass. The professional stage rights are also strictly reserved, and performance by professional actors, given in advertised places of amusement and for profit, are forbidden. Persons who may wish to produce this play publicly and professionally should apply to the author, as above. WALTER H. BAkm.ic.eb. 1914 t » THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY AITCR. LEN«X Arte pj^mi^a^^o^ Approval CHARACTERS Nancy Gi^owkk, juvenile lead, Rita Glover, her sister; ingdnue. Mrs. Glover, her mother; about forty, Catherine, h handsome Irish girl of twenty ; maid, Hamilton Seaver, an aristocratic^ self-satisfied and good-looking man of twenty-one, Robert Devon, a good-looking, agreeable man of twenty- three. Col. Maynard Rowe, a soldierly man of indefinite age, Richard Fitzgerald, a handsome, rollicking^ careless Irishman, about twenty-five, Samuel Rutherford Glover, a boy of nineteen; college type. KRatz, a German mechanic, in working clothes and with straggling chin beard. . • • • • • • ..^ { C(Jpyri^HH ^^y by Wm. M. Blatt • * • *\\**jfs ^^lj[of*nhd proprietor • • • ••. • *• * , W\ \* *All rights reserved ^ ^ SYNOPSIS Act I The breakfast room in the Glover mansion. Act II The music room. Act III Same as Act I. » - ■» w -»» -» • J - • , ^ ■> ■> • 5 ' ■" > « 9 O * O «* » « • > • ^ ?) •> -^ 3 > .'* -"a' . • '• . . / * rf ■J 'J • J ■> > u ^ PLEASE READ CAREFULLY The acting rights of this play are reserved by the author to whom application for its use should be addressed. Per- formance is strictly forbidden unless his express consent, or that of his agent, has first been obtained, and attention is called to the penalties provided by law for any infringements of his rights, as follows : — " Sbc. 4966 : — Any person publicly performing or representing any dramatic or musical composition for which copyright has been obtained, without the consent of the proprietor of said dramatic or musical composi- tion, or his heirs and assigns, shall be liable for damages therefor, such damages in all cases to be assessed at such sum, not less than one hundred dollars for the first and fifty dollars for every subsequent performance, as to the court shall appear to be just. If the unlawful performance and rep* resentation be wilful and for profit, such person or persons shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon conviction be imprisoned for a period not exceeding one year." — U. S. Revised Statutes, Title bo. Chap. j. Amateurs may obtain permission to produce it privately on payment in advance of a fee of ten dollars ($10.00) for one per- formance or fifteen dollars ($15.00) for two performances. Such payments should be ma(la)*And all correspondence addressed to Wm. M. Blatt, 294*Wi^vr»fi\gton St., Rooms 829-831, Boston^ Mass. • \ *•/• • . V • .•. • • • • • • •• • ••'•'. ' .. •• •••••• .•'••• % •• • ••• • • • a * * • • • • • e Husbands on Approval THE FIRST ACT SCENE. — The breakfast room in the Olover house. Table at right centre; doors right and left; a wide door at back, centre, looks out upon the staircase. The room is richly furnished, A luxurious apartment in a large, oldfashionsd mansion on Beacon Hill, Boston. When the curtain rises, Mbs. Glover, Rita Glover, and Sam Glover are at the table, talking, having finished their breakfast. Sam, a good-looking chap of nineteen, has a smoking jacket over his collar less shirt and wears a pair of dilapidated slippers. He is reading a paper. Mrs. Glover, a comely widow of forty, is in a corsetless negligee, and bustles round the room, setting things to rights. Rita, a pretty girl of eighteen, has her hair in curlers ; her nose is red and shiny, and she wears an ill-matched kimono and skirt, and a pair of old un-blackened shoes. She is also reading — a magazine. 7 8 husbands on approval Sam. \Yomning^ The man who planned the dance last night was a philosopher. It takes something like genius to realize that holidays were not made for celebrations; that, on the contrary, they were made for resting after a night of celebration. [ Yawning, '\ Gee ! I'm glad I don't have to take any lectures. I can't spell " oat " to-day. Mrs. Glover. Are you going to stay at home all day, Sam? Sam. You bet. Stay home and just loaf. Got to be real spry and cute for to-night. My Greek letter society has a smoker on. I shall be sing- ing until 2 A. M., or until the police stop us. Mrs. Glover. But you won't be fit to study to-morrow then. I thought you said holidays were not made for celebrations. Sam. Oh, I've got to go to this one. Rita. I should think you could give me to-night. Nancy goes everywhere. You took her to the HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 9 Ashburton dance last night, and you'll take her to the next one you go to. And I did so want to attend the McLean subscription. Sam. Oh, take your time, Kita. Nancy will be out of the way soon. Then your time will come. Mrs. Glover. Nancy out of the way ? Married, you mean ? Sam. Uh-huh. Mrs. Glover. Sam ! Kita. [Simultaneously^ with Mrs. Glover.] Blinky ! You know something ! It happened last night at the dance ! A man proposed to Nancy. She accepted him ! She's engaged ! For goodness' sake, don't sit there like an owl ! Speak ! Mrs. Glover. Oh, Sam ! Please tell us. Sam. [Takes his pipe out of his mouthy lays down his paper and looks ahout,~\ Great Scott ! Who pressed the button? All I implied was that lO HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL some day, in the not too distant future, Nancy may marry and settle down. Does that call for such an uproar? KiTA. Now, don't try to fool us. Something did happen. We know you. You never think of any one getting married unless it's suggested to you in italics. Sam dear, good old Sam, dear felinky, come out with it. Sam. \PuU dovm his pipe,'] So far as I know, she isn't engaged, nobody proposed to her, and there's absolutely nothing up my sleeves. All I have to base my remark on, so far as last night is concerned Mrs. Glover and Rita. Tesl Sam. Is the rather mysterious conduct of sister Nancy. She sat out four dances. You know it isn't Nancy to sit out a dance. Rita. I knew it. She is engaged ! Now, will you tell us peaceably with whom she sat the dances out, or shall we have to kneel down and sup- plicate for it ? HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL II Mrs. Glover. Was it Colonel Kowe ? Kit A. Or Mr. Seaver ? Mrs. Gloveb. Or Kob Devon ? Kit A. Or Dick Fitzgerald ? Sam. \8l(ya)lyl\ Yes. KiTA. {Shrieking^ Yes, wluit t Sam. Yes, ma'am. Rita. Oh, Blinky. How can you be so mean I Sam. Mean? Haven't I answered you? I said. Yes. It was Colonel Kowe and Mr. Seaver and Rob Devon and Dick Fitzgerald. All four of them. She sat out one dance with each. Mrs. Glover. And didn't she say anything ? 12 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Sam. Not a word. Kit A. Didn't she look flushed or happy, or nervous, or anything ? Sam. Nancy nervous? Did you ever see Nancy nervous ? Might have been flushed or happy, but not nervous. But I will say this. On tne way home she kept as mum as an oyster. Sev- eral times when I asked questions she either didn't answer at all, or else absent-mindedly. And every once in a while she gave a long chuckle. KiTA. Blinky, if I find that you know something and won't tell us, I'll never forgive you as long as I live. Sam. No, honest, I don't know a thing. Ask my professors. [Rita crosses stcige toxoard right door. Rita. I shall ask her myself, this minute. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 1 3 Mrs. Glover. Rita ! Stay here. Let the poor child sleep. She didn't get home until three o'clock. I heard the clock strike as the carriage drove up. Rita. But mother. Think of what may have hap- pened. Mrs. Glover. And if nothing has happened will you be jus- tified in waking her up? Be patient, Rita. {Enter Catherine, centre door.] Catherine, have you just come from up-stairs ? Catherine. Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Glover. Did you notice if Miss Nancy seemed to be awake ? Catherine. I think so, ma'am. She was singing. Rita. [Making anot/ier dash.'] I'll go right up. Mrs. Glover. Rita ! Nancy will be here directly. Don't be selfish. Let's all hear the news, if there is any, together. [Exit Catherine, centre door. 14 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL KiTA. Oh, pshaw I Blinky, I'll bet you a pound of candy against a necktie that it's Colonel Eowe. Come, te a sport ! Sam. No, you don't. All a girl ever remembers about a bet is what she was to get out of it. And if she doesn't get it, win or lose, she thinks the man is a piker. KiTA. Liar. The last time we bet I did buy you a necktie. Sam. So you did. That's another reason why I don't like to bet with you. Did you really buy that necktie, or did you make it yourself out of a piece of carpet ? KiTA. It was no worse than the candy you give me. Sam. For bad candy, it disappears pretty fast. How red your nose gets, Kita, when you are angry. Kita. My nose is not red, and I'm not angry. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL IS Mrs. Glover. Children ! Sam, tell us more about the dance and Nancy. Sam. Oh, Nancy was the belle all right. That brown dress made a great hit. The fellows swarmed around her like bees. About a dozen that I never saw before slapped me on the back and jollied me to beat the band just to make me introduce them. I felt like the business mana- ger of a grand opera star. KiTA. I knew the brown dress would make a sensa- tion. It's just Nancy's color. Who got the last waltz ? Sam. I did. That's why I say Nancy puzzles me. I'm almost certain she made some Kind of a deal last night, but if she tagged a fellow, he'd have the last waltz, wouldn't he ? KiTA. Naturally, but you can never figure on Nancy. She couldn't be conventional if she tried, and she won't try. Mrs. Glover. Oh, dear, I hope she hasn't thought out some new method of shocking us. I hear her com- l6 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL ing. Now, don't hurl questions at her. You know how obstinate she is. If we seem too anxious, she won't tell us anything. Lead up to it gradually, or let her have her own time. {Enter Nancy Glover, right door ^ in a hecovfiing hovse dress^ a/ad a somewhat elahorate toilet, Nancy. Have I slept a month, or only a week ? Is this to-day, or to-morrow ? What time is it ? Kit A. Ten o'clock, and Washington's birthday. Nancy. Ten o'clock! Mercy! May I have some- thing to eat ? Mrs. Glover. [Touches hell. Enter Catherine, centre door.] Breakfast for Miss Nancy, Catherine. [During next few minutes CATHERINE serves breakfast and Nancy eats. KiTA. Was it a pleasant party ? Nancy. Yes, indeed. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 1/ KiTA. Who was the bright particular star ? "Nancy. Well, frankly, I think I was. The brown di*ess did it. I shall wear brown all the rest of mv life. Isn't there some kind of a convent where the nuns wear nothing but brown dresses ? If there is one, I must seriously con- sider entering it. Sam. You didn't have much prospect last night of entering a convent. Nancy. Even Blinky noticed it, you see. KiTA. Did anything special — did you dance all the dances ? Nancy. Most all. All except four. Those four I sat out with But wait until I get some bal- last aboard. I'm so hungry. KiTA. Yes, dear. Mrs. Glover. Drink your coffee first. It will refresh you. 1 8 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. [ Yawning. '\ Oh 1 I could sleep hours longer. KiTA. Now, have you eaten enough to get started ? Nancy. No, — minute. Mrs. Glover. {Aside to Kita.] Sh Sam. Why are you all ringed up, Nancy ? Haven't got to go anywhere, have you ? Nancy. Nope. This is a house dress. Sam. What's the matter with the one you gener- ally wear mornings ? The wooly sku't and the waist I spilled ink over ? Nancy. Oh, I'm tired of them, and besides Well, it ffoes back to last night. Now listen, every- body. Kita. Oh ! Nancy ! HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 1 9 Mrs. Glover. My dear little girl. Nakoy. Hold on. You don't know what's coming, yet. KiTA. We suspect. Nancy. You lose, then. I had four proposals of mar- riage last night. KiTA. Oh, Nancy ! Four ? Nakcy. Dick Fitzgerald, Col. Maynard Eowe, Bob Devon, and Hamilton Seaver. How's that for the brown dress ? Mrs. Glover. And whom did you accept ? Nancy. No one. KiTA. Of course not. String it out as long as you can, Nancy. Take your time. They'll wait. 20 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 8am. Don't lose your head, Nancy. Choose a good fellow, not a pretty-boy. Mrs. Glover. Oh, my dear, be carefuL KiTA. Don't let them think you are easy. Nancy. Say, how many are allowed on the coaching lines? Don't you think I know my little book? Oh, but it was great fun. fey the fourth proposal I was as calm as a sherbert, much calmer than the men. I could even sit back and notice their style. Fitzgerald was bold and ardent. He roared hyperboles at me and ^ot as red as a storm signal. Colonel Eowe did it neatly, as if he were surrounding an enemy, calm up to the last charge, and then a fierce but orderly dash for the colors. Poor Bobby Devon got all mixed up. He began every sentence two or three times, and when he finally asked for me I had to make him do it over again to be sure. Hamilton Seaver made a very effective plea, but he omitted to say that he loved me, which I consider essen- tial. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 21 KiTA. Now, Nancy, between us — which is it going to be? Oh, Nancy, only between us. We'll never breathe it to a living soul, cross our necks, hope to die, don't we. Slinky ? Sam. Oh, it's none of my business. I'm not par- ticularly curious, but if Nancy sees fit to con- fide in me, I shall treat the matter as confi- dential. KiTA. And mother, you can trust mother. Surely, a girl can trust her own mother. Nancy. But I haven't decided. I'm very fond of them all. KiTA. Oh, nonsense. You must like one better than another. A girl can't love two men at once. Nancy. I'm not sure that I love him. That's the trouble. Sometimes I think I do and some- times I think I don't. KiTA. Aha ! I knew it. You do love one of them. 22 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. I didn't say — why, yes, I did ; how stupid of me. Well, it's not at all certain, and I shan't marry him or any one else until it is certain, so there. Rita. Is it Mr. Seaver ? Oh, it is Mr. Seaver 1 He is so manly, so aristocratic. Both his parents are colonial stock. He is a full-blooded son of the Revolution. Nancy. Full-blooded? I should call him rather anaemic. Sam. Sure. He's a dope. Fitzgerald is the man. One of the best fellows in the world. Never saw the beat of him at boxing or story-tellinff, or anything. And there's a magazine article this month that says he's going to be the best sculptor 'in America. I saw it myself. Rita. Mr. Fitzgerald is simply after your money, Nancy. He's as poor as a churchmouse, and he knows poor papa left us well provided for. Don't take nim, Nancy. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 23 Nancy. Dick certainly is hard up. His dress suit is almost antique. He's gained at least fifteen Eounds since it was made for him. I don't see ow he ever gets it off whole. KiTA. If it isn't Mr. Seaver, it must be Colonel Rowe. On the whole, he would be a better choice for you, Nancy. Mr. Seaver is nearer my age. Nancy. Oh, indeed. Nearer your age. One would think you were my grandchild. So far as the outside world is concerned, you may play with dolls and sit in a high chair for all I care, but in the family circle, please get the dates as fol- lows : You are eighteen ; Slinky is nineteen ; and I am twenty. Rita. And Mr. Seaver is twenty-one. Nancy. And Colonel Rowe is, well, indefinite. He may be thirty, or forty, or X. Rita. He's about thirty and if he lives to be a hun- dred he will always look grand, distinguished. 24 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL A hero is always a hero. Even after he is dead history will remember forever that he led the forlorn hope at r What was that place in the Philippines ? Nancy. I hope history has a better memory than you. Sam. I think he dyes his hair. You get it in some lights, and it looks purple. Mrs. Glover. I don't care what you all say, Mr. Devon will make the best husband. You can't help seeing how good-natured and honest he is, a man you can rely on. And you can't say he's after your money, for he has enough of his own. Nancy. Now, mother, don't nag me. I won't have you picking out my husband. All you've got to do is wait until I select him and then weep for joy. Mrs. Glover. I do hope it's Kobert Devon. A steady, decent boy he always was. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 25 Nancy. He'll have a chance to show it then, begin- ning very soon. Mother, you want me to be very careful, don't you ? Mes. Gloveb. By all means. Nancy. Well, I'm going to be the most careful girl that ever lived. And you are going to help. Mrs. Gloveb. How? Nancy. I'll tell you what I've arranged. And please don't scream when you hear it Mrs. Glover. Oh, Nancy. You haven't played another wild, impossible prank, have you ? Nancy. You see, these four chaps are all good fellows. I like them aU, one more than the others, but all very well. The trouble is, though, that I've never met them except when they were on their good behavior, in moral full dress suits, as it Avere. Now, what's the use of marrying a man who dances well and makes pretty speeches 26 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL at a ball if he's a snarling dyspeptic when he's at home ? How do I know that the Colonel, or Bob Devon, or Dick Fitzgerald isn't a per- fect nuisance around a house, grumpy or dirty, or selfish or lots of other things ? Mrs. Glover. I'm very glad to find you so practical, Nancy. Nancy. Now, how many of Kita's friends suspect that only the most unremitting care conceals the fact that her nose is pinker than the rest of her face and much more brilliant ? Rita. Just keep your reflections general, Nancy, if you want us to enjoy them. Nancy. Who that sees Sam at a dance or a party knows what a frightful mania he has ? Sam. Me? What mania? Nancy. Why, that the sounds you make mornings before breakfast are musical. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 2/ Sam. Oh, never mind. The first things you learn on a trombone may not be very melodious, but you just wait. Nancy. Is that a threat? But to resume. Some observer has said that it makes no difference what kind of a man you marry, because after you've lived in the same house with him a month, you find you've married some one else. Mrs. Glover. There's a great deal of truth in that. Nancy. So I'm not going to run any risks. I shall marry no man unless I've had a chance to ob- serve him at close range for four full weeks, Mrs. Glover. But, Nancy. Nancy. And that's what I told all four of my ad- mirers. It came to me like an inspiration. When they asked me to marry them, I said to each one separately : " My good chap, I make no promises; but if you want to accept my conditions, I will consider your proposal. The conditions are that you will be a guest at my 28 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL house for a full month, during which time you shall attend to your regular business but remain at home every evening without exception, liv- ing a perfectly natural and simple life, as if you were one of the family. And they all accepted. ElTA. Nancy ! You don't mean it ! Nancy. I do. Mrs. Glover. And are they really coming here with that purpose ? Nancy. Why not ? There are plenty of spare rooms and servants. The inconvenience will be slight, and I'm sure, mother dear, you won't object to helping me in this way to decide the most im- portant question of my life. Sam. Well, I'll be hanged. Mrs. Glover. Nancy, how could you dare do such a thing w ithou t consulting us ? Think of what it means. No privacy whatever for a month. Four strangers quartered on ns like an enemy's soldiers. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 29 ElTA. Nancy, of all your preposterous freaks, this is the worst. I for one refuse to put up with it. Sah. So do I. I won't stand for it. Mbs. Glover. You must stop them at once. Write notes to each of them immediately. Nancy. It's too late ! They are coming this morning. Rita. What! Nancy. I told them the test would begin at eleven o'clock. It must be almost that now. Rita. Merciful heavens ! Look at us ! You low, contemptible, vicious, inconsiderate thing ! I'd like to choke you. Mrs. Glover. Nancy ! You are not in earnest. You can- not be. It's a joke. Relieve my suspense and admit it. 30 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. No. It's not a joke. It's a very serious mat- ter, and I'm extremely disappointed at your at- titude. Would you rather have me marry a distasteful person whom I and you, too, would be forced to associate with all our lives after discovering our mistake; when by this very simple arrangement we may become almost cer- tain of his disposition and domestic habits ? Mrs. Glover. But it's so improper, so unconventional, so unheard-of. Nancy. Improper ? Haven't we ever had guests be- fore ? Don't our cousins and uncles flock here by droves in the summer ? Mes. Glover. If people should find out 1 * Nancy. They would applaud us to the echo. I marvel so logical a plan was never used before, and I prophesy that it will become the fashion. Sam. Jingo! They may be here any minute. Four of them ! HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 3 1 KiTA. Oh, Nancy. You wicked, heartless girl !. Sam. I shall have to wear a linen collar for a month except when I go to bed. Rita. And I, oh, how shall I prevent, how shall I keep Nancy. Your nose from showing up ? Carry a pow- der rag all the time. But anyway. Rita. I shall be revenged, Nancy. {The hell rings. Rita screarrvs and exits right dooT^ running ; followed hy Mrs. Glover and Sam, aUo runnina. En- ter Catherine centre door^ with card tray, Nancy looks at cards, Nancy. Show them in here, Catherine. {Eodt Cath- erine, centre door. Enter cent/re door^ Richard Fitzgerald, Col. Maynard Rowe, Hamil- ton Seaver amd Robert Devon. They are all stylishly and carefully dressed, Fitzger- ald, a handsome^ jovial Irishmam.^ a little less eospensi/vely gotten v/p tha/n the others y RoWE, 32 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL distinguished and quiet^ of undeterTYiinate age^ soldierly and good-looking^ a scar on his fore- head ; Seaver, aristocratiG and seriotcs, and very well bred ; Devon, wholesome and attract- i/vej mamly^ tlwugh not very handsome^ and just now the only one who is calm and nonchatard. Each ca/rries a large dress-suit case, except Fitz- gerald, who has a hand'hag, and Seaver, who has two dress-suit cases. They line up before the centre door,^ Good-morning, gentlemen. Put your boxes anywhere for the present. The servants will take them to your rooms later. Make yourselves perfectly at home. [They make a movement to break ranks,"] But before we start in, let us fully understand the condi- tions. Home every night ; no proposals for a month ; then in exactly thirty days from now I shall bring in my verdict. You start almost even. One of you has a slight advantage, but it is quite possible that during the month he may lose it by his own conduct, or by some other contestant showinff better qualities. Now then, break ranks. [The men put their grips down in a comer.'] You will find us a little unprepared at first. My folks didn't learn of the scheme until about five minutes ago, but it will all adjust itself shortly. Oh, don't wait for invitations. Sit down. Kemember you are to be perfectly natural. No putting on airs. This is the dining-room. You may lounge about HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 33 here or in any other room that you like. \TJie men sit up very straighf] Well, why don't you lounge? [The men slmk mto wncojnfortdble positions in cm effort to obey orders.^ What's the matter ? Why don't you talk ? Is it going to be this way aU the month ? For goodness' sake, somebody, say something. Fitzgerald. Ye see, Miss Glover, we're a bit embarrassed. It's such a lonff time since anny wan of us made a call of exact^ this kind. Nancy. Well, don't you think I am nervous, too ? I'm just ready to jump out of my skin. I wish I had never been born. If you four idiots had let me alone last night, I should never have got myself into this muddle. Just on account of a silly brown dress. I shall never hear the last of it. Never. My sister Kita says she'll never forgive me, and mother shrank away as if I had committed murder. Fitzgerald. Never mind. Miss Glover, we'll stand by you to a man. Lave it to us. Nancy. Perhaps we'd better not go on. You see, last night, it seemed like such a good plan, and such 34 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL a lark. Four good fellows all in a splendid rivalry to be agreeable. I fancied it would be great fun for you and for me, and for the folks. And now mother and Eita and Sam are furious and I've lost my nerve and you four oome in like undertakers and sit about as if you were waiting for some one to die. All right. Gro home. Fitzgerald. Divil a bit. We're here to stay. The man who goes first is a quitter. Ana I'U be the last to do that. Sure, there isn't one here that wouldn't be the last to go first. Now cheer up, Miss Glover. 'Tis a good plan. We'U all be used to it in half an hour. Nancy. I can foresee all sorts of complications. The neighbors will ask questions. Visitors will wonder why we have taken boarders. The servants will go on strike. The three losers will give the story away and we shall be chaffed forever. Fitzgerald. No one shall ever know. It's to be a secret conspiracy. If any one of us turns out to be a bad loser — he's to be put out of the race. That's agreed. Now, let's start in. Who's to have HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 35 first chance at the love-making? Seaver, I'll match pennies with ye. [Searches his pockef] No, you toss one up. Nancy. Mr. Fitzgerald ! Don't make me appear any more ridiculous than I am. There's to be no love-making. Fitzgerald. No love-making ! Sure, what have we come here for ? To sew dresses for the heathen ? Nancy. No, just to live your natural lives for a month. Could anything be easier than that ? Fitzgerald. Nothing could be harder, miss, than to live in the same house with you for a month and not make love to you. It's not only hard. It's impossible. You mustn't ask it. If you want us to live our natural lives, you must let us make love to you all the time. Nancy. That is quite out of the question. Now, do be sensible. Fancy yourselves my relatives, uncles, grandfathers, anything you like, and simply try to be natural. What's the matter with the rest of you? [The men have been 36 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL sitting in strained positions / RowE soldierly and erect y S:EAY:Eit posed like a Gibson man^ hut vmmxiturally motionless / Devon nervously crossing a/nd uncrossing his legs^ etc.] Mr. Devon, are you ever going to speak ? If you are not going to make yourself perfectly at home, the whole experiment is a f aUure. Devon. Well, here goes, Nancy. Nancy. Mr. Devon 1 Devon. Bob, if you please. Fitzgerald. That's right. Bob or Uncle Bob. Nancy. Not Uncle Bob, at any rate. Fitzgerald. Plain Bob, then. And I'm Dick, and this is Hamilton or Ham, and the Colonel is What is it. Colonel ? EOWE. Maynard. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 37 Fitzgerald. That's more formidable than your last name. Well, take your choice as to the ColoneL Nancy. I shall call him Colonel. Why, even if he were a relative, I should call him ColoneL Fitzgerald. Ye're hedgin', Nancy, but we'll let it pass. Come on, boys. Lave these things in the hall with our coats and hats and let's go to work. {All hat Seaver cmd Nancy exit^ centre door. Seaver. Nancy, why subject yourself to the diffi- culties and trials of the next month ? Why persist in this sacrifice, to what ? To a Quix- otic desire to be fair. What has fairness to do with love ? Isn't the old adage right ? I don't know if I am so fortunate as to be the one to whom love has already led you, but if I am, let us be honest, let us end this useless search for what we have already found here and now. I love you, Nancy. No man can love you more than I. No one. And I want to make you happy. [Ent^ Fitzgerald, Kowe, Devon, centre door. iS HUSBANDS OX APPROVAL FlTZGERAU). Ila-ba, me fine backo ! A flank mov^n^it, O^lonel, d'ye mind. Into the hall wid ye, and give the next fellow a show. \Eitit Seateb, ijrUh a gefdure of impatience^ centre dc^or^ And that's meself. 1 our pardon, Nancy, for spakin' in the presence of so large an assembly, but I don't know when I can get ye alone again. Don't pay any attention to these chaps, Nancy dear. They're good enough creatures, but what do they know about love? Love is for the artiiiit and for the beautiful For you and for me, or rather for me and for you. Tour love will inspire me to carve masterpieces that will make the Venus of JVLUo look like a hati*ack. And my love will open all the gates of art and flood our lives with the joy of perfect Une and color. Nancy dear, don't throw yourself away on a mere coupon cutter like ayther of these three gentlemen. Marry a poor devil like me that hais nothing but a soul and a brush and the clothes on his back, and start on the bottom rung of fortune with him together. {Reenter Seaveb, centre door. Nancy. I'm afraid I can't do that, Dick, without coming down a few rungs myself. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 39 Fitzgerald. Now, I forgot that. But never mind. We'll give your money to the poor and start in equal. KowE. Come, Dick, this is all against the rules. There were to be no proposals until the end of the month. We've begun the campaign all wrong. It reminds me of the takmg of a Elace in the Philippines, one of those native ills in the interior where I was stationed. I was a captain then. My major said to me Devon. Hold on. Colonel. Is this going to be a long story ? KowE. Well, the details are very interesting ; Nancy won't mind my going into them, I'm sure. She is very fond 01 war stories. Nancy. Yes. Go on, Colonel. Devon. By all means, go on. But if you don't mind, I'd like to go somewhere and smoke and it won't take me long to finish what I want to say. 40 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL EOWE. I give way, but reserving my rights. Devon. Thank you. Nancy, am I the one you like better than the others ? Nancy. \S(magely^ No ! Devon. All right. Where can I go and smoke ? Nancy. Wherever you please. Devon. Here? Nancy. I don't care. Devon. Thanks. As it's the only room I'm familiar with, I prefer to stay here. [Lights jpipe,^ Go on with your story, Colonel. Seaver. Will you excuse me if I write a letter ? Nancy. Certainly. You are not company. You are one of the family, temporarily. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 41 Seaver. Then I shall write. \He Jimds pen and inh and paper ^ sits at the dming tdbUy and writes, Fitzgerald. And by the same token, I'll stretch out on the couch and have a cigarette. [He does so. Devon puts his feet on a chair and smokes ^ reading the paper. KowE. The major protested because I always stood erect when he gave the order to charge by rushes. The men of course crouched and wriggled and that left me apparently an easy target. However, I had never been wounded, but on this occasion, when we charged the enemy Nancy. [Cov^hing.'] What a horrible pipe. Devon. This ? Why, it's the mildest in my collec- tion. That's why I brought it. Nancy. Do you smoke much ? Devon. Most of the time, while I'm awake. 42 husbands on approval Nancy. And always pipes ? Devon. Always. FlTZGEBALD. \0n the conchy singing at the top of his voice.'] Oh, 'twas on a summer mo-o-rning, all in the month of June. Nancy. Dick, shut up. I can't stand those Irish come-all-yes. Fitzgerald. Sure, they're me favorites. I sing scores of 'em every morning. Nancy. Every morning ? Fitzgerald. Every morning. Nancy. Can't vou make an exception of this morn- ing ? I nave a headache. Fitzgerald. I'll try to repress myself, darlint, but if I burst out again, don't blame me. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 43 EOWE. Well, to proceed with the stor^ of our attack. The Filipinos were hidden behind earthworks at the top of the hill. They were armed with Mauser rifles and well supplied with am- munition as we afterward found, and though they were not the best marksmen in the world, still at a distance of two hundred yards, which would be about a ninth of a mile, they could be depended upon to do effective work. I reo- onnoitered a bit Naistoy. Have you all had breakfast ? Seaver. Yes, ages ago. Nancy. And you, Colonel ? EowE. Oh, yes, indeed. We soldiers are early break- fasters. Nancy. Bob, have vou eaten ? Devon. [Behind the paper Jj Eh ? What ? 44 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. Do you want anything to eat ? Devon. Not yet. Pretty soon. Nancy. And you, Dick ? Have you eaten ? Fitzgerald. And divil a word I said to her, And she said the same to me. Nancy. Dickl Fitzgerald. Oh, I beg your pardon. Eaten. Let me see. Well, it makes no diiference annyhow. I'll wait till lunch. Eowe. As I was saying, I reconnoitered a bit, and selected a succession of large rocks as the safest line of attack for my men. Nancy. I wonder where mother and Eita and Sam are. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 45 KOWE. Perhaps you are not interested. Nanoy. Oh, yes. Go on. Only I was wondering. EowE. We numbered about fifty. The enemy were entirely hidden, but I estimated them at twice as many. Devon. I say, Colonel, that's a dreadfully tiresome tale. Take Nancy into another room, will you, old chap, and let us read in peace. KowE. Shall we, Nancy ? Nancy. No. Not now, please. I'm a little too nerv- ous to listen to the rest of it now. Save it for some quiet evening. KowE. Very well. I— I didn't mean to bore you. Nancy. Not at all. Colonel. But just to-day. 46 husbands on approval Devon. Just to-day you bore us dreadfully. Save it for a quiet evening, Colonel, when you are all alone. Nancy. I thought you wanted to read your paper. Devon. I do. Nancy. Why don't you read it then ? Where can the folks be ? {Goes to door at right, Cmnes hack and rings for serva/nt, Seaver. That pipe is unquestionably vile, Bob. The odor depresses me. \^Enter Catherine, centre door. Nancy. Catherine, will you tell mother and the rest that our guests have arrived ? [Catherine crosses toward right door, Fitzgerald. Wait a bit, Catherine. Sure those eyes and that hair never came from anny place but Bel- fast. Say, were ye not born in "Belfast ? husbands on approval 47 Catherine. Yes, sir. Fitzgerald. God bless ye. And how is the old dart ? Catherine. You should know as well as I, sir. I came over a little girl, twelve years ago. Fitzgerald. Sure, I'm only here ten years myself. Lord love ye, and yer pretty blue eyes. Did ye know the Fitzgeralds of Gilford Street ? Catherine. My mother's aunt was a cousin of them. But they were fine people. Fitzgerald. No finer than yourself, Catherine darlint. Nanoy. Ahem ! Fitzgerald. She's me own cousin. Ye didn't know me in Ireland ? Catherine. I knew ve well, then. Wasn't I in the crowd that saw ye off for France when ye went away 48 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL to learn how to paint pictures ? Only I was a poor little lass and ye were the rich Fitzgerald's boy. Fitzgerald. Well, then, ye'd laugh yerself sick to know what the rich Fitzgerald left his only son — ha-ha — ^his blessing and a picture oi Danl O'Connell. Catherine. Who got the rest ? Fitzgerald. There wasn't any rest. The owld gentleman tried to make monkies of the bulls and bears on the stock exchange and they made ducks and drakes of his money. Catherine. Ye can tell me about it later. I must be doin' me work now. Fitzgerald. Well, don't be forgettin' me. Oh, manny's the long chat we'll have before the month is over. {Exit Catherine, right doorJ] You don't mind if I talk to me cousin now and then, Nancy ? HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 49 Nancy. Certainly not. You may spend as much time in the kitchen as you please. We allow Cath- erine to have a reasonable amount of company. You may have a policeman or a grocer's clerk by way of rivals, but no doubt you can outshine them. Fitzgerald. Nancy, you wouldn't have me neglectin' me own cousin, and she from Belfast. Why, Lord love ye, I was only tryin' to cheer her up a bit. Devon. He wasn't making love to her, Nancy. That's only a way he's got. Fitzgerald. Is it love-makin' ye think I was ? That love- makin' ? Wait till we're alone, Nancv dear, and I'll show you what I call love-makin. And then you'll see the difference between pink lemonade and Irish potheen fresh from the stiU. Nancy. Gentlemen, I am afraid I have been rash, thoughtless, foolish. I must ask you to forgive me for this wild enterprise. I see already that no good can come of it. Let us end it now. so HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL We can part good friends, and take up our lives where we left them last night. Devon. You can't put us out like that, Nancy. We came here by your invitation. Your family know we are here for a month, and in order to get us out before then you must go to Court and swear out a — a — mandamus, or an injunc- tion, or something like that. When do you serve lunch ? Nancy. I hate you. I hate all of you. I shall never marry any one of you. I shall never marry at all, not if you stay here thirty years. You may hold me to my invitation if you like, but it wiU do you no good, understand that. Devon. You hate us all equally ? Nancy. Yes. Devon. Good. That makes it fair. Nancy. Here comes mother and the rest. For the last time, will you please go home ? HUSBA NDS ON A FPRO VAL 5 1 The Four Men. No! {Enter Mrs. Glover and Kita, right door. They are elaborately dressed in contrast to their former condition a/nd ha/oe adopted a ^^ company ^^ manner^ thinly veiling their indignation, Kita's red and shvny nose is eclipsed hy gensrous amplications of a powder rag which she carries with her^ and uses furti/oelyfrom time to tim^. The men stand up, Mrs. Glover. Good — \coughs'\ ^oodi—\coughs\ good-morn- ing. \Continues coughing. Rita joins, Nancy. You have all met my mother, and my sister Bita. Devon. Sorry to find you suffering, Mrs. Glover. Bad cold you've got, you and Kita. Bita. It isn't a cold. Bob Devon. It's that — [coughs'] that pipe. 52 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Devon. Oh ! I beg your pardon, but Nancy said we were to make ourselves perfectly at home — and we did. Mrs. Glover. Please do. Since Nancy insists on this some- what unusual arrangement, let us carry it out logically. Let us be perfectly normal, just as if nothing had happened. KowE. We don't want to interfere with your duties or programs. Please not to put yourselves out. No entertainments or entertaming, or formality. Mrs. Glover. Exactly what I was about to suggest. Let us drfess comfortably, just as we are, and spend the day as we otherwise should. Fitzgerald. In fact, I was thinking we could dress even more comfortably. Mrs. Glover. Yes. Take off your cuffs. Change your shoes for slippers. As for Nancy and Kita and myself, you see we go about quite simply, quite as we were before you came. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL $3 Devon. That's right. And may we keep on smoking ? ElTA. Oh, I dare say we shall get used to it. Mrs. Gloveb. Now, the first thing to consider is lunch, and incidentally we may as well consider the digest- ive possibilities of our guests. The probation- ary period is to last a month, I understand, and in that time the seeds of appendicitis or dysp^ sia or all sorts of diseases may be sown. Mr. Fitzgerald, what dishes do you prefer, and what do you abhor ? Fitzgerald. Dick is me name. We're to call each other by Christian names. Oh, not you, ma'am. You are Mrs. Glover, or mother, just as you prefer. Mrs. Glover. Mother is a little premature. Mrs. Glover will do. Fitzgerald. And the Colonel has such a dignified first name that we've allowed him to keep his title. Mrs. Glover. Well, Dick, what is your favorite dish ? 54 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Fitzgerald. Oh, anything at all, as the fellow said, so long as it's corned beef and cabbage. Mrs. Glover. And yours, Colonel ? KowE. Simple fare, Mrs. Glover. Soldiers are not fastidious. Why, during the Spanish campaign we ate beef which ought in all reason to have poisoned us, but none of us knew it until we read it in the papers. One day at San Juan, the quartermaster said to my Colonel — I was a lieutenant then Devon. If there's one thing I hate, it's corned beef and cabbage. The very smell of it drives me crazy. If Dick wants it, let him eat it in the kitchen. Fitzgerald. 'Tis a dish fit for a king ! Don't mind him, Mrs. Glover. Or give him a bale of hay, and he'll be quiet. ElTA. \Who has heen tollcing in durnh show with Seaver.] Mr. Seaver is on a diet, mother. He can't eat sweet things. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 55 Seaver. Nor greasy things Rita. Nor starchy things Seaver. Nor red meats ElTA. Nor anything boiled Seaver. Nor anything fried Rita. Nor liquor Seaver. Nor cheese Rita. Nor game Seaver. Nor pork Rita. Nor corned beef Devon. Nor cabbage. It's like the house that Jack built. 56 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Fitzgerald. {Samagdy^ You can eat most annything but food, can't yon, Ham ? Devon. Anything bat food and corned beef and cab- bage. Mbs. Gloveb. It's qoite a problem. We must consult Catherine. \RmgB for her. Enter Cathebine, centre door. Nancy. Now, I shouldn't for anything want to en- danger the health of you four men by forcing you to conform to our customary menu, and as it seems impossible to reconcile your tastes, I am quite willing to abandon the probation test. You may all go home if you like, and allow our fate to work itself out along other lines. Fitzgerald. Miss Nancy, we don't wish to trespass upon your hospitality, but I think I may speak for my three associates here and say that we are determined men. Short of a positive order to leave the house we shall stay here thirty days. It's a most sensible method of settling a great question. Every man of us feels that he is bet- HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL $7 ter qualified than the others for the great honor of your hand. Every man feels that the better you know him, the more certain you will be that he is the companion soul that was made for you ages before the world be^n. To withdraw now means to leave the choice to accident, im- pulse or whim. We, the united order of would- be husbands, humbly petition you, the founder of our order, to let the fight go on to a finish. Nancy. But we have already failed. The food ques- tion, for instance. Here's Dick, who must have corned beef and cabbage against the pro- test of all the others. Now, the cook won't make separate dinners for each of you Oatheeine. If you plaze, miss, I just know how Mr. Fitzgerald likes his dish, Belfast style, and I'll be proud and happy to prepare it without anny trouble to the cook. FiTZGEBALD. 'Tis an angel ye are. Nancy. But there's Hamilton Seaver. He's on a diet. I didn't know that. He must have special preparations. The cook is so sensitive, mother. You know, we can't ask her to make invalid's dishes. 58 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL KiTA. Mr. Seaver has been explaining his dieting ^stem to me. I think it most amnirable, ana rm going to try it myself. Most of the (Ushes he eats are uncooked like oats, and fruit, and milk. It will be great fun for us two, getting up our own meals together. So you see the cook won't be bothered by us either. Nancy. There are other objections. The Colonel is an early riser, and an early breakfaster like old soldiers. We can't make him wait two or three hours for the rest of us, and cook won't serve breakfast until after eight. Mrs. Gloveb. Now, Nancy, you know it is impossible for me to sleep after five o'clock. I wander about the house in the early morning like a lost soul. It will be a real comfort for me to cook a simple breakfast for the Colonel while I am puttering about. RowE. You are very kind, Mi4. Glover. Nancy. And Bob Devon won't be able to stand it here without his terrible pipes. And I abso- lutely refuse to let him smoke a pipe in this house. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 59 Devon. Not even a new pipe ? Nancy. No pipe whatever. Devon. I'll go down cellar. Nancy. You shall not smoke a pipe in this house. Devon. All right. I'll smoke cigars. \Takes one out Rita. Do you know, I was a bit put out at first, but now I'm sure we shall be perfectly jolly. Mrs. Glover. How wonderfully we adjust ourselves to new circumstances. Now, everything is settled. I must give cook an outline of the arrangements. ElTA. I'll go along and get the oatmeal ready for lunch for Hamilton and me. Mrs. Glover. Catherine, I shall need your influence with Norah in case of rebellion. 6o HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Catherine. I'll answer for Norah. She's not far from Belfast herself, and when she learns there's a Belfast gentleman in the house, nothing will be too much for her. \Exmnt Mes. Glover, Eita amd Cath- erine, left door, Fitzgerald. D'ye see now, we'll be no more bother to ye than a breeze in May. Barely here an hour, and almost perfect harmony already. Nancy. Well, really, the friction has disappeared in a most wonderful way. Mother and Kita were ready to disown me when I announced your visit this morning, and now they are almost enthusiastic over it. Fitzgerald. Ye were nervous. Ye were afraid it wouldn't come out all right. And it couldn't be better. Sure, we'll all get along like turtle doves. Devon. It's lucky real turtle doves can't sing Irish come-all-yes. Fitzgerald. If they could, there would be no finer burd on earth. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 6 1 Devon. That's a matter of opinion. We'll see what the rest think about it. All those in favor of Dick not singing say aye. All. Aye. Devon. There you are, Dick. Fitzgerald. What do you know about music ? A pack of omadhauns, pipe suckers, tin soldiers, dys- peptics. Nancy. Dick! Seaver. I am not a dyspeptic. I am a rational feeder. Every one wasn't brought up on corned beef and cabbage, like a carnivorous beast. Fitzoerald. A carnivorous beast. Difl you hear him call me a carnivorous beast, Colonel ? EOWE. Yes, and I heard you call me a tin soldier. I'll have you know, sir, that I have served my country in fourteen engagements. 62 HUSBANDS ON AFFROVAL Fitzgerald. Fourteen engagements and nevw married. Look out for hmi, Nancy. EowE. And I resent any attack upon my record by a man who has never smelled powder except in a ballroom. Fitzgerald. Can't ye take a joke, man ? EowE. Not a joke of that kind. No, sir ; I demand an apology. Fitzgerald. Go to the divil. There's an Irish apology for you. Rowe. You shall answer to me, sir. Fitzgerald. An Irishman never yet owed an answer. Devon. You've got no business to talk to the Colonel like that, Fitzgerald. Ilespect his gray hairs. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 63 EOWE. . My gray hairs. I have no gray hairs. I'm as young — as young as many a younger man. I'm good for a dozen pampered youths of to- day. I can ride as long in the saddle as a boy, eat like a boy, eat anything, not merely corned beef and cabbage Devon. Or oats EowE. Or oats. Seaver. It's none of your business what I eat. And as a matter of fact, your hair, what's left of it, would be gray if vou let it alone, and didn't dye it, you silly old goose. Nancy. Gentlemen ! Seaver. Why did he begin with me ? RowE. I didn't. Devon. No. You said you respected his gray hairs, Seaver. 64 HUSBANDS OX APPROVAL « Seaver- Well, he called me a dyspeptic first Devox. It was Dick who did that. Bowk. And he called me a tin soldier. Devon. But you objected to his singing first KOWE. Kot until he had done something to start the row. I can't think what FlTZGERAU). Well^ I can finish anny thing I start and anny- body. Xo mushroom (jolonel can play Filipino with me. \AU tTie men a/re talking loudly cmd ex- citedly^ except Devon. A noise of frightened worrwrCs voices is heard oehind the left door^ then a crash. Nancy rushes out left door ^followed hy Devon. The others do not see them^ a/nd go on qua/rreli/ng. Cries behmd Uft door. ''Fire! Hdp!'' Seaveb. Oh, I sav, Fitzgerald, this is going too far. You may nave intended your first fling as a ' HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 65 joke, but the Colonel doesn't have to adopt your sense of humor. Your whole conduct is in execrable taste. Fitzgerald. Well, it makes me angry when I say some- thing in fun and the other fellow gets angry. KowE. If you assure me that your slurs were in- tended to be humorous, I shall reconsider some of my remarks. Fitzgerald. To be sure they were humorous. I'm always humorous except when some one makes me mad. EowE. Then I withdraw my language to you. Fitzgerald. And I withdraw all I said that disagrees with you, sir. Seaver. I take it the amende includes all of us, though Bob can speak for himself. Where is he? Fitzgerald. And where is Nancy ? 66 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL KOWE. They must have left the room. {Enter Devon, mucTi disJieveled a/rvd blackened^ carrying Nancy and fol- lowed hy EiTA amd Catherine, the last two auj^orting Mrs. Glover. AU hear ma/rks of the fire a/nd excite- ment Fitzgerald. What's all this ? KiTA. Nothing except that there has been a fire. Somebody spilled fat on the stove and it blazed up, lighted some cloths and spread all over the kitchen. We screamed for help and Nancy and Bob came in. Why you gentlemen didn't fol- low I leave you to explain. Perhaps you didn't want to interrupt your joint debate, or maybe you didn't care to singe your eyelashes. At any rate, if it hadn't been for Mr. Devon, we should probably all be dead. He put the fire out and saved Nancy just as the flames caught her. Nancy. [Half Gonsdoua a/nd moam^ing,'] My hero. Devon. My darling. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 67 Seaver. I giiess this settles it. We have no chance now. Shall we give up ? Fitzgerald. Begorry, no ! I'll stick the month out if it takes a year. While there's life there's hope. Devon's got the advantage now, but there's manny a slip. I'll stay ! Seaver. Then so will I. RowE. And I! Devon. [^Still holding Nancy in his arms.] My love. My own. CURTAIN THE SECOND ACT SCENE. — The musioroom. Piano, Doors rights left and center. Seavek, Rowe and FiTZ- GERALD lounging about after supper. RowE. Well, to-morrow it will be all over. At eleven o'clock the thirty days will expire and the contest will be decided. Seaver. Or, let us be perfectly frank and admit that it is practically decided now. Fitzgerald. No, sir. Never say die. Bob Devon has had it all his way since the fire, but if another stroke of luck gave one of us a chance to make a rescue, or play the hero, the whole order might be reversed before to-morrow morning. Rowe. Bob has entrenched his position too strongly. It is almost impregnable. 68 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 69 Fitzgerald. You don't know women, Colonel. As a matter of fact our chances were never so good. The least accident will turn the scales. Haven't you noticed that Nancy is not happy ? Seaver. That's because we've lain down. Nancy can stand anything but indifference. She wants to keep us all on the anxious seat and she observes that we're not. She hates to give Bob the satisfaction of thinking he's got a walk-over, and she hates the idea of losing her hold on us. Take it from me, there's a mine under Bob Devon that only needs a match to blow him — puflf ! If you chaps are still in the fight, be on the qui vive to-night. Watch your chance to jump in and meanwhile treat Nancy with dis- aain. Act as if you didn't care to win any- way. And mark my words, before the thirty days expire at eleven to-morrow Bob Devon will grin on the other side of his face. KowE. There is much truth in what you say, Dick. Bob has lost some of his confidence and Nancy ,is decidedly piqued at our seeming neglect. Bob is a good fellow. If he's to get the prize, so be it, but in the interests of good sport, he should not be allowed to walk away with it. 70 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL We must unite against the common enemy. Fitzgerald's scheme is a good one. Treat her with indifference and watch for an opening. Do you agree, Seaver ? Seaveb. Perfectly. It is rather galling to see Bob win out by a pure accident, especially when there is reason to believe that he was not the original favorite. Fitzgerald. Why, didn't the lady herself say that ? Bob was not the man she preferred at first. EOWE. True. Well, then, one last rally and may the best man win. The evening is young and the morrow is still far oflf. {Enter Devon, right door. Devon. Well, what's the program to-night ? Fitzgerald. The same as usual, I suppose. Music, cards, dolly dialogues, and all the other furious de- bauchery of the domestic hearth. At nine^ o'clock the Colonel will fall asleep in his chair* and Seaver will read the society news with Rita. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 7 1 Seaver. And you, Dick, will go into the kitchen and sing Hibernian melodies to the cook and Cath- erine, while Bob sits up and holds hands with Nancy. Devon. All for the twenty-ninth time. Are we to have no special exercises for the last evening of our imprisonment in Paradise ? Fitzgerald. The special exercises will come to-morrow at eleven. Devon. I'm sorry for you boys. But it's been a pleasant experience on the whole. When Nancy and I are married you must all come and see us often and talk over the curiosities of the contest. Come to dinner any time. Nancy and I will always make you welcome. Fitzgerald. Is it all settled ? Has she accepted you defi- nitely ? Devon. No. That wouldn't be fair. There was to be no decision until to-morrow. But between you and me, if you can find any one who wants 72 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL to bet that I won't win out, give him long odds. I'm backing myself to the limit. Seaver. Be careful, Bob. Over-confidence loses many a fight. Devon. So does the lack of confidence. But you wait and see. And in anticipation of my view of the outcome, I want to thank you all for your chivalry and good fellowship during the past four weeks. I appreciate deeply Fitzgerald. Hold on. Don't start your funeral oration till you're sure the corpse is dead. Devon. Now let's be good-natured to the end. Where are the ladies ? KowE. In their rooms, writing letters. Devon. And Sam ? Seaver. Making a call. He's the only man of us that dares to spend an evening out of the house. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 73 Devon. Far as I'm concerned, I'm willing to stay in every evening for the rest of my life. Fitzgerald. It's not been so bad, but I would like to spend one Sunday morning in a dressing-gown, and this month has been a terrible strain on my lingerie. Seaver. I'm going up to see if Kita will let me take one of her books away with me to-morrow. I haven't quite finished with it. {Exit Seaver, right door. Devon. Oh, Colonel, Ml«. Glover asked me to tell you that Hello, he's asleep again. Fitzgerald. The poor old Colonel. To-morrow night he can doze to his heart's content from supper to breakfast. He must be fifty if he's a day. Devon. Who would think it ? I'm sure he looks as young as you, Fitz. Fitzgerald. He does. But I'll never look a bit older my- self. Art is the great thing for keepin' a man 74 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL younff. Or a woman either. Even the artists' mod^ seem to have drunk from the fountain of perpetual youth. Here. {Taking photo- gra/phs from his pockety Would ye think this one had a husband and grown-up children ? Devon. They don't dress her very elaborately, do they? Fitzgerald. She's posing as Spring. Devon. Early March, to judge by the foliage. Fitzgerald. She miffht pass for twenty. She's thirty-five. And here's her sister. Devon. I thought so. They dress so much alike. No. This one has only one scarf. The other has two. Fitzgerald. That's a study of Autumn. Here's Summer. Devon. I don't notice much change in the styles. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 75 Fitzgerald. The model that posed for Summer is thirty- six years old. And here is Winter. Devon. In Florida ? Fitzgerald. Winter is forty. Devon. They may be purely conventional representa- tions of the four seasons ; to a sculptor no more improper than landscapes, but to a common three-by-six policeman they might look like nothing but four unconventional young women somewhat less than half-clothed. Why do you carry them about with you ? Fitzgerald. To study them, of course. That's what models are for. Every curve and point must be as familiar to the sculptor as his alphabet. There's no time to get it all from the life. I must have photographs, anatomical charts, everything that can help me to grow familiar with the human form. Devon. Well, I'm sure I don't mind if nobody else does. All the same [Devon is looking at the photos at left. ^(> HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Fitzgerald is standing at rights with ike whole stage between them. Enter Nancy, right door / sees Fitzgerald Jb*st Devon sees Nancy and has- tily jputs the photos into his pocket, Nancy. Dick, I meant to ask about the statue compe- tition. Have you heard from it yet ? Fitzgerald. No, but I will soon. With the luck I've had lately I expect to get a polite note from the judges like this : "The committee thanks Mr. Fitzgerald for submitting his group, and suggests that it might make a very line paper-weight. The prize has been awarded to Mr. Doughhead for his conception of four angels whose wing^ conform to the latest discoveries in aerial navi- gation." Nancy. I hope not. Indeed, something tells me you will win. Fitzgerald. Thank you. Nancy. Shall we make up a hand at whist ? HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 77 Fitzgerald. If you'll excuse me, I'd rather not play. Play two-handed pinochle with Devon. Nancy. Oh, we can still have our game with a dummy to take your place. Can't we, Colonel ? EowE. [Waking up.] Eh? What? Nancy. I say, Dick, and you and I can make up a whist party, can't we ? KOWE. Eh, really, I should be charmed. But I am behind several days in my "Memoirs of the War in the Philippines." I can't neglect them any longer. Fitzgerald. Come on, Colonel. I'll sit in your room and smoke while you write. RowE. [To Nancy.] You will pardon us ? Nancy. [Stiff^,] Certainly. [£keunt Fitzgerald and Howe left door, arm m arm,'] What were you talking about before I came in ? 78 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Devon. Why? Nancy. You seemed to stop. What was it ? Devon. Oh, just remarking that to-night is the last one. Nancy. . So it is. Devon. And to-morrow we shall know whether we go up to heaven or down to work, as usual. Nancy. You don't seem to take the alternative very seriously. Devon. I wish I could make you feel how serious it is to me. That's where the confounded Amer- ican sense of humor handicaps me. I feel as sentimental as a singinff Italian, or a poetical German, or a hysterical Frenchman, but if I were to sing or recite poetry or froth at the mouth, you would ring for an ambulance, wouldn't you ? And still when to-morrow rolls around, it will find me more nervous and shaky HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 79 and anxious than if I were being tried for mur- der. There's one thing I want you to know, Nancy, whether you ever marry me or not, that it madies no difference whether you marry me or not. Nancy. Oh, doesn't it ? Devon. No. I shall keep on loving you just as much, just as long. You won't find me bobbing up next day with another pretty girl on my arm. No, sir. I'm done. [A mng at the doorbell. • * Nancy. Mercy. Who can that be ? [Enter Catherine. Catherine. A note for Mr. Devon. There's a bov wait- ing for an answer. [Devon takes the note. Devon. You will excuse me ? Nancy. Certainly. [Devon reads the note with a developing frovm of impatience and perplexity , 8o HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Devon. Tell the boy to come in. Nancy. Is it bad news ? Devon. Well, yes, rather. Nanoy. Oh, very serious ? Devon. No. Doesn't affect me at all, in fact. Bad news for somebody else. {Enter Boy.] Tell them— er — it — er Why did you bring it up here ? Why didn't they send it to my office before I left ? {Exit Catherine. Boy. Lady did send me to your offic > » lOO HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. Let me remind you that as to Hamilton Seaver, he and I are half engaged. KiTA. Half engaged. You haven't promised to accept him ? Nancy. I said half engaged. If I had promised to accept him, we would be wholly engaged. KiTA. Then Nancy. He has asked me to marry him, hasn't he ? And I haven't given him my answer, have I ? That makes us half engaged, doesn't it ? ElTA. In a way, yes, but Nancy. But me no buts, and remember that it is very improper to flirt with a man who is half en- gaged to some one else, especially if the some one else is your sister. ElTA. How can you be half engaged, as you call it, to four men at once ? It's absurd ; socially and mathematically absurd. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 10 1 Nancy. I am just the same, and you keep yomr hands off. ElTA. I shall do nothing of the kind. You are try- ing to weate a monopoly and monopolies are illegal. I could have you arrested. Not that 1 care a straw about Hamilton Seaver, except just as a friend and guest, but my sense of justice is outraged. I object to the principle of It. {Reenter Seavek. Seaver. I found it under the newspapers. Some one must have mislaid it. Nancy. Thank you, Hamilton. Have you read the article about the Empress Dowager of China ? Seaver. No. Nancy. It's really very good. So I've been told. I wanted so much to read it to-night. But my head aches dreadfully and so do my eyes. Seaver. I'm sorry. Can I do anything ? I02 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. If — if you really want to — you might read the article aloud. I think it would be restful. But not unless you really want to. Seaver. Why, of course. I should like to very much. Nancy. You don't have to read continuously. You can stop now and then for a little chat. That is, if you care to. Seaveb. It will be jolly. Nancy. Sit in the biff armchair. I will curl up on the rug. You know my weakness for occupy- ing the floor. ElTA. And the lime-light. Nancy. I beg your pardon. ElTA. Nancy, do you mean to tell me in your sober senses that you are going to ask Hamilton to read an article about the Dowager Empress of China ? HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 103 Why not ? ElTA. Well, if Hamilton is too polite to tell you that the Dowager Empress of China is a bore, and that you are another, I'll say it for him. Nancy. Do you feel that way about it, Hamilton ? Seaveb. No, that is, not at all. Nancy. Because if you are not interested in the Em- Eress, there are several other splendid contri- utions. One about the latest plays, if you prefer it. Seaver. Whatever you like. It's quite immaterial. Nancy. Oh, read about the plays. Seaveb. Very well. {Sits in easy chair. Eita. Oh, pshaw ! 104 HUSBANDS OX APPROVAL XA3fCT- EMi't joa like reading aiood ? ElTA. I think it's p«fectly stupid, the most tire- Home practice ever InTc^ted. And leading alood frcmi a magaTJne — ^frighrfoL XA3fCY. Then run along scmiewbere else, my dear. Play the piano, ot go into the library with Bob Devon- KiTA. Thank yoo. I prefer magaanes to ancient Bibles. Najjcy. Then at least be still and leave Hamilton and me to enjoy the reading. Rita. I won't. He can't enjoy it. Ton have no right to inflict your whims upon him. Why can't you let him alone ? Nancy. How silly of you, Eita. Hamilton knows tetter than to stand on ceremony with me. If he didn't want to read I'm sure he would say so, wouldn't you, Hamilton ? HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 10$ Seaver. To be sure, certainly. Nancy. And if you don't want to stay here and read, if you want to go into the library with Eita, as she proposes, and leave me here alone, by all means speak and say so. Seaver. Hm. Nancy. {QuicklAi^ You see, he doesn't say so. Go on reading, Hamilton. [Rita sits down and fumes. Seaver. " One day when one of the royal princesses was calling at our home in Peking, I inquired of her as to where the Empress Dowager was born." Eita. Now let's stop to chat, as you suggested. {^Comes over cmd sits on the arm of Seaver's chair, Nancy. Certainly not. We are going to read at least half an hour without stopping. Don't sit on Io6 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL the arm of that chair, Rita ; you are likely to break it, and you don't look at all ladylike and you are in Hamilton's way. Rita. The arm of this chair is strong enough to hold even you, and I'm just as ladylike as any- body else, and if I'm in Hamilton's way he can say so. Am I in your way, Hamilton ? Seaveb. Hm. Rita. You see, he didn't say so. Nancy. If the reading bores vou, Rita, why don't you go away and come back in half an hour ? Then we shall be ready to stop. Rita. I'll leave when I — can't stand it any longer. Nanoy. Go on, Hamilton. Seaver. "She looked at me for a moment with a blank expression, and finally said, with just the faintest shadow of a smile, *We never talk about the early history of Her Majesty.' " HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 107 ElTA. Excuse me. {Exit Bita, Hght door. Nancy. lyfiih a %igh.'\ Stop reading, Hamilton. Talk to me. Are you glad the month is almost over? Seaveb. It all depends upon to-morrow. No, not even that. Whatever to-morrow brings, this month shall be marked with red letters in my memory. Ich habe geliebt und gelebt. I have lived and loved. Nancy. I am afraid you have given your love to one who is unworthy of it. Seaveb. No, no. If ever there was a true nobility of soul, true brilliancy of intellect, true harmony of nature, I have found it. My heart has found its mate \Enter Devon tvmMl/y^ centre door. Nancy. What do you want ? Devon. Am I interrupting ? Io8 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. I should say you were. Devon. Have you finished what you were sayings Hamilton? Your heart has found its mate, period. That's all you wanted us to know, isn't it ? Seaveb. More than I wanted you to know. Nancy. Why did you leave the library ? Devon. I looked at all the Bibles. They are very quaint and beautiful. I've seen them all, thank you. Nancy. Mr. Beaver and I are discussing a personal matter. Devon. Were discussing ? Nancy. Are discussing. Were you going out to keep that business engagement ? HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 109 Devon. No. Eeally. Never had any idea of going out. Nancy. Then return to the library. Devon. I should like a few minutes with you. I, too, have a personal matter to discuss. Nancy. I think I know what it is. I can dispose of it to-morrow in a very few seconds. I shall not have time for it to-night. Devon. How is your head ? Nancy. Still aching. Devon. Hadn't you better take that nap you prom- ised yourself ? Nancy. I intend to after Hamilton and I have an op- portunity to finish our conversation. Devon. Better let her take her nap, Seaver, old chap. She needs it. no HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nakcy. WUl you go back to the library? Devon. Yes — certainly — I'm ffoing. Go on, Hamil- ton, your heart What were you saying about your heart ? Seaveb. My heart — my heart Nakoy. Gkxxi-night, Mr. Devon. Devon. Good-night. {Exit Devon, centre door. Seaveb. My heart has found its mate, the one who has the power to strike fire from me, to bring out my ambition, my abUity, to make me grasp the world by the throat and wring honor and fame and position from it. Nancy. I never suspected that I was influencing you like that. You appeared to pay more atten- tion {Enter Fitzgerald, righi door. Fitzgerald. \SmgmjgI\ Row radium radium ; row radium conavan; ro-ow radium radium; conika fay HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 1 1 1 John Sullivan. Ah, there ye are. And here am I, just in the nick of time. Nancy. In the nick of time for what ? Fitzgerald. Sure to take me turn of duty. Away with you, Ham. You've done your stunt oi enter- taining for the evening. Send the Colonel here in an hour to relieve me. Nancy. Turn of dutjr — ^relieve you. One would think you were soldiers on gualM. Fitzgerald. So we are, in a manner of spakin'. Nancy. For instance. Fitzgerald. Why, as well-behaved guests, it's the duty of us four men to entertain our hostess, to wit, you. We take turns at it. Haven't you no- ticed? Nancy. You give the impression that you have to be driven to it. 1 1 2 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Fitzgerald. No, 'tis not as bad as all that. At first indade we used to fight for the opportunity. Nancy. But now ? Fitzgerald. Well, now we have acquired various other interests about the house. A month is a long time, Nancy dear. Not but what you might have kept us dancin' attendance every minute of it if ye wanted. But almost from the first day you made violent love to one of the bunch and left the others to their own devices. Nancy. I — I did nothing of the kind. You ought to be ashamed to say so. Fitzgerald. Anyhow we felt that way about it, and nat- urally we cooled off so far as you were concerned. However, we know our duty, and we mean to do it at any cost. Be off with you, Ham. Seaver. If Fitz is going to stay there, Nancy, I think I wUl go. May I ? Nancy. By all means, if that's the arrangement. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL I13 Seaver. There is no arranffement, Nancy. Oh, you don't believe Fitz. You know Fitzgerald. Whisht. There's a lady inquirin' for ye in the room beyant. Sbavbb. Aladyl Fitzgerald. Eita is her name. Don't keep her waitin'. Seaver. She — she may really want me. I'U go. \Ikit Seaver, right door. Nancy. The truth now, Dick Fitzgerald. My sister Eita sent you to this room to give Hamilton Seaver a chance to break away. Fitzgerald. No-0-0. Nanoy. She did send you ! Fitzgerald. She requested me to take Ham's place in the •equestea i club, if it reading club, if it was agreeable to everybody. 114 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. Well, it isn't agreeable to me. Fitzgerald. So I see. It's the f oine reader Ham is. But you've found it out pretty late in the day. Nancy. I don't care a bit about Hamilton Seaver, or his reading. I'm glad he went away. Fitzgerald. Faith, then, if it's I that's disagreeable, we can aisily mend that. Say the word, and I'U find a substitute. Nancy. It's disagreeable to be treated like a bottle of medicine. I'm sorry if a little month is sufficient to change the love-sick rhapsodies of my four cavaliers to yawns and excuses. Fitzgerald. Are they all excusin' themselves? Sure, that's so. I haven't seen annything of Bob Devon. What's become of him ? Nancy. I don't know, and I don't care. I'm tired of being made responsible for Bob Devon. I don't ever want to see him again. \EnUT Devon, center door. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL II5 Devon. I can't stand it in that close stuflfy library any longer. Nancy. Why don't you go outside and get a breath of air ? Nobody's stopping you. Devon. I should like to, by Jove. Nancy. Do. Take your dress suit cases with you. Devon. Oh, just a walk. Five minutes will be enough. W-won't you come along? Nancy. No. And you may as well stay away for five centuries as five minutes. I prefer the cen- turies. Devon. I — I guess I'll go back to the Bibles. \Exit Devon, centre door. Fitzgerald. What should you like me to read ? Nancy. Oh, I don't care. [ Wea/rily. Il6 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Fitzgerald "The Observations of Morehouse's Comet." How's that ? Nancy. Anything at all. Fitzgerald. " In the portrayal of the now famous More- house comet '^ Nancy. Do you mind reading to yourself ? Fitzgerald. Not at all. Nancy. Assuming that you insist on reading. But if you would condescend to converse. Fitzgerald. Sure, why didn't ye say so? Women are strange creatures. Nancy. Do you hear anything from the competition? Fitzgerald. Nothing. I have no hopes in that quarter. But, oh, Nancy, if I could have another chance, I'd make them a statue that would win the HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 11/ prize in spite of the ignorance and stupidity of the judges, a statue that Phidias himself would crown. Nancy. Why are you so confident ? Fitzgerald. Pm sure. I have only to copy line for line the pure and graceful features that I have seen in flesh and blood every one of the past twenty- nine days, and there we have it — the master- piece of the age. Nancy. Oh, Dick, you do talk the most nonsensical blarney. Fitzgerald. Blarney, is it? No, faith, but the truest word that was ever spoken. I've got it all in me mind's eye here ; in fact, it's already sketched out roughly on paper. Oh, but wait till you see it in the clay. Nancy. I — I can't understand how you could be so enthusiastic and not say a word to me. Fitzgerald. Faith, how could I ? When did I have a chance? Haven't you been cooped up with Bob Devon all the time ? Il8 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. Don't mention Mr. Devon any more. Tell me about the statue. Fitzgerald. She wears a robe that seems to swh'l around her dainty figure from throat to ankles like an amorous wave. Nancy. [Aside.] The brown dress. Fitzgerald. Her head and hands are raised. Nancy. [Aside.] Good. He noticed that I look rather well so. Fitzgerald. But what's the use of description? You must wait until I finish it. Nancy. Are you going to give it a name ? Fitzgerald. To be sure. Her own name. Nancy. Oh, how embarrassing. Still HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL II9 Fitzgerald. Such a pretty name, too, the prettiest in all the world, Catherine. Nancy. Catherine ? Fitzgerald. What then I Could there be a more appro- priate one ? And she says I may. Nancy. Catherine, she — who ? Fitzgerald. Catherine, me cousin, the Belfast Venus de Milo. Nancy. The housemaid ! Fitzgerald. The queen of housemaids. Such eyes, such lips, such Niagaras of hair, such a nose. Nancy. Enough ! Fitzgerald. Just enough. The trouble with your average nose is that there's too much of it. But an Irish nose, a Belfast nose, there's a nose that knows its place. I20 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Nancy. Which the housemaid does not. Fitzgerald. True for you. If she knew her place she'd starve sooner than wait on doors and make beds. But she's so modest, d'ye mind, that she never feels the incongruity. Nancy. Are you joking with me, Dick Fitzgerald ? Fitzgerald. . Joking ? I'm as serious as a judge on his way to be hung. ♦ Nancy. If I thought so, I'd never speak to you again. {Enter KowE, right door. Fitzgerald. And why not ? Nancy. Colonel, Dick is teasing me. Make him stop. KOWE. Dick will have his joke. Be patient with him. Put up with his pranks for the last time. Kemember that we poor wretches must face the firing squad to-morrow. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 121 Fitzgerald. And three out of four of us must be fired. Nancy. Don't remind me of it. Let our last evening together be a cheerful one. Let us eat, drink and be merry. EowE. For to-morrow we die. Fitzgerald. Only three of us. Nanoy. I'm not so sure about that. Fitzgerald. What do ye mane? You're not goin' to turn Mormon, Nancy dear ? Nanoy. No, I mean that possibly all four of you will — will Fitzgerald. Be sent to the right-about, as the Colonel would say. Small fear of that. Nancy. On the contrary, nothing is more likely. [Fitzgerald wims at Eowe behind Nancy's hack. 122 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL KOWE. Whatever the morrow will bring forth, to- night is the last night, and I came up to pro- pose that we spend it in our last celebration, we four suitors and you, Nancy, to finish this strange month by showing that at the end of it we are still loyal to you and to each other. FiTZGEBALD. Great idea. The last reunion. Where are the others ? {Enter Seavee, centre door.] And in good time, here comes the noble Ham. Ham, wul ye join us ? The four contestants and the prize are to drain one last cup of good fellowship. Are you with us ? Seaver. Charmed, I'm sure, though I don't know just what you are proposing. Fitzgerald. Then go find Bob Devon and let's start the chorus. Nancy. No. Leave Bob Devon out of it. He's kept me away from you chaps all these weeks, and I've had enough of him. Just us four are sulfi- cient. What shall we do ? HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 123 Fitzgerald. All together first with " The Pretty Maid Milking Her Cow." Nakcy. Not right off. We'll start with some college songs. \Ooe8 to jpianoJ] Try to sing parts. Here's the book. How will "KoU on, Silver Moon '' do ? KowB. Excellent. Seaveb. I'U sing the tenor. Fitzgerald. We'll aU sing tenor. Let her roll. [Nakcy pla/i/s the opening chords. Nancy. Now. All. " Koll on, Silver Mo-00-oo-n " EowE. One moment. I thought I heard some one calling. Mrs. Glover. [Off stage,'] Colonel Eowe ! 124 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL ROWE. It's Mrs. Glover. — Yes. Mrs. Glover. {Off stage.'] Are you busy ? EOWE. Why, no. Pm coining at once. [To the others J\ Excuse me. [IkU^ right door. Nancy. [Nervously.'] Ha-ha ! Rita. [Off stage.] Takes you a long while to find ces yc ief , H that old handkerchief, Hamilton Seaver I Seaver. [Picking v/p her handkerchief from fioo7\] I've got it. I'm coming. [To the rest] Beg pardon. Promised to get this for Rita. [Exit J right door. Nancy. Looks like a duet, doesn't it ? Fitzgerald. What's swater than a duet ? [Catherine shyly puts her head in at centre door. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 12$ Catherine. Would it be troublin' you too much, Mr. Fitzgerald, to come down to the kitchen and taste a bit of boiled ham as we have it at home? Fitzgerald. Would it be troublin' me? We'U have to postpone the duet, Nancy dear. Some other time. [Exit Fitzgerald quickly^ centre door. Nancy looks about bewildered^ looks out at centre door^ then at right door^ then sits at taile^ disconsolate. She puts her arms on the table^ buries her fa,ce i/n them^ amd sobs. Enter Devon quietly^ centre door^ seesTS ANOY motion- less at tablcj stops and looks a/rovmd. Devon. [Aside.] Asleep. When she wakes up, she'll be too sleepy to bother about me. I can pre- tend that I found her so and went to my room. I'll risk it. [Goes to centre door, comes back, putting on overcoat am^d ca/rryvrvg hat. Tiptoes over and looks carefvlly again.] She is asleep. I'll make sure. [In a soft, but audible tone.] Nancy ! Nancy. [Sentimentally.] Bob I [He is standing be- hind her.] Was I dreaming, or did I hear Bob 126 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL call me ? Poor Bob. He's better than any of them, after all. I've treated him shamefully. I'm a silly jealous fool. He isn't a bit anxious to go out to see that woman. It's all my im- agination. [Devon, dazed at f/rat^ now starts to take off his overcoat. She turns and sees hi/m,'] Ahl You t6?^r^ going out. You thought I was asleep. You came in to make sure. Devon. No. Keally, I Nanoy. Silence. Go. Devon. Nancy, you wrong me. She is nothing to me. Only an old friend whom I want to help. Here. Look at the note again. Head it again and you can't help being convinced. Nancy. Leave me I Devon. Here's the note. [Dives into inside pocket, puUs out note and in doing so pulls out the photo- graphs ^«?A^m Fitzgerald gave him. They fall on the floor, in view of Nancy husbands on approval 12/ Nancy. Oh ! Her photograph. The brazen wretch. Devon. No. Ton my word. They don't even be- long to me. Nancy. To whom, then ? Devon. To Dick Fitzgerald. Nancy. Coward. Sneak. Slanderer. Monster. Devon. No. There's no harm in them. Fitz uses them in his work. They're models, upon my word, they are Nancy. Out of my sight. Devon. Nancy ! Nancy. Oh! \Exit Nancy quickly^ centre door. Devon looks demoralized. CUBTAIN THE THIRD ACT SCENE. — Discover all characters except Cath- erine and Kratz, sitting around the breakfast tahU^ finishing the meal. Sam. I ought to be going. It's after ten, but just for this once, I'm tempted to miss my lecture and watch the fun. Nancy. You'd better go to your lecture, Sam, and not annoy me. Sam. Don't get nervous, Nancy. Be game. Don't weaken at the last moment. Nancy. Shut up. I wish I were dead. Sam. Going to keep the suspense up to the end, or pass the lemons now ? Nancy. Please let me alone, Sam. I'm so miserable. [Enter Catherine, with letters. 128 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 1 29 Catherlne. A letter for Mr. Fitzgerald, and one for Mr. Devon. {Hands them over. Fitzgerald. Something tells me there's luck in it. This is my lucky day. May I open it? Thank you. {Opens letter, '\ Holy smoke I What did I tell you ? I've won the competition. The judges nave accepted my group, and I'm a made man. Catherine. Mr. Fitzgerald. I'm that glad ! Nancy. I congratulate you, Dick, with all my heart. All \ad lih.']. Congratulations. [Devon has opened his letter 's hands and compares thetn, FlTZGERAU). Is the other side satisfied ? Nancy. [Spitefvlly.'] Why couldn't he have said so right away? It's his faalt for acting like a fooL Devon. It's your f anlt for not being willing to believe a gentleman. I'm not used to having my word questioned, to being treated like a criminal under indictment. It's unfair, unreasonable, unladylike. Nancy. Well, now that you have cleared yourself, let's say nothing about it. Devon. Say nothing more about it ! Do you imagine that I'm going to let it pass that way ? Do you imagine tnat I can be trampled on and spumed and abused as I have been since last night with- out a protest ? I guess not ! Say no more about it 1 I think there is something very definite and pressing for you to say about it. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 19S Nancy. I — I was wrong, and I'm sorry. Is that enough ? Devon. Technically, I suppose it is, though it's a poor reparation for what you've made me suffer. However, I accept your apology, and now if you'll pardon me, I'm going home. Nancy. Ohl Devon. Where's my bag ? Fitzgerald. Come now, Bob, forgive the poor girL Shake hands with her. Devon. Oh, pshaw I Fitzgerald. Go ahead, there's a good fellow. She can't help her little ways. Sring her up here, Mrs. Glover. [EiTA and Mrs. Glover lead the de- moraUzed a/nd hewUdered Nancy to the centre of the stage. 196 HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL Devon. I — ^I don't bear you any trudge, Miss Glover. Here's my hand. Try to be more generous to the next man who offers you an honest love. Grood-bye. \Takes her ha/nd. Nanoy. [Breaki/ng down.'] Oh, Bob, I didn't mean to. Don't go away like this and leave me all alone. Everybody's engaged but me, even Catherine, and I feel so lonely and wicked, and cheap. Please don't go away despising me. I love you. Bob, really and truly, and honestly. I shall kill myself if you hate me. It's only be- cause I thought you didn't care for me that I was so horrid last night and this morning. Please don't go away forever. Oh, please don't go away. Devon. If I stay will you promise to marry me ? Nancy. Yes, yes, oh, yes. Devon. And not doubt me any more ? Nancy. No. HUSBANDS ON APPROVAL 197 Devon. Then I'U stay. Nancy. Oh! \Thr(ms hsrwnm around him and sobs, ■ae Ktasea her. OUBTAIN 1 !a. W. ^tnrto'e Pai'fl H IJMtt, ao Cnit^ *lil ""•- ^ ^|. Sent prepvild on t«»lpt flf prl£e tty H Salter 1^. 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